BB ★★★★★
BBQGuy_KC_4eva
1 review · Kansas City, MO
Heard from a guy he's been here 4 years. The brisket tasted like 4 weeks. The "house rub" was salt. Just salt. He kept calling it "his recipe." It was salt.
The Witnesses
Post-Game
Sworn, submitted, and stipulated.
★★★★★ Verified by FICSR
The Folkman Institute for Comparative Sibling Research does not rely on conjecture. The findings herein are corroborated by testimony from family, professionals, and one piece of furniture, all of whom have voluntarily come forward to confirm the central thesis of this body of work.
I. The Locker Room
“I love both my boys equally. I really do. I just want to say that on the record before anything else gets entered into evidence.”
“Bentley was easier from the beginning. I don't know what else to tell you. Parker was the one I had to sit in the chair, and then he started bouncing in the chair, and after that I just sort of held on.”
“I never called him a son of a bitch. I want that absolutely clear. I may have been tested. I am only human. But I did not give him that nickname. He came up with it on his own and then told his Primary teacher I had given it to him. I had not.”
“Look. I love both my boys. But if you held a gun to my head — and I am not saying you should — I would say Bentley. Vamboozer is a fine man. He just required more nicknames to be a complete person.”
“At the Building, Bentley swept the floors. Parker fed the bugs. Each son found his level.”
“For clarity. I am an agricultural scientist and chemical engineer. I cultivated bacteria in stainless steel milk tanks at the Building. The boys called the bacteria 'the bugs' because they could not, at the time, pronounce 'microorganisms.' Bentley eventually learned the correct term. Parker still calls them the bugs. He is forty.”
“I knew Parker had a brother. I did not know the brother was the better version until Thanksgiving. It was a lot to process. I have made peace with it. I call him Parkito. The Institute should know that. It is the only name in this household that does not require further explanation.”
“Uncle Bentley is the fun uncle. Dad is the dad.”
“Dad says he's the best at his job. I asked what his job is. He said it was complicated. I asked Uncle Bentley what Dad's job is. Uncle Bentley said the same thing.”
Drew a picture of Uncle Bentley. Did not draw his father. When asked why, said Dad was "busy at the computer."
Cried only when handed to Parker. Calmed instantly upon transfer to Uncle Bentley. Witnessed by no fewer than four adults at the same family gathering.
“I'm the third one. I have no horse in this race. But I'm telling you, it's Bentley. Always has been.”
“Bentley taught me how to drive. Parker taught me how to swear, then blamed Mom. You decide.”
II. The Analyst Desk
“In thirty years of clinical practice, I have seen many things. The case of Subject P. is, in my professional opinion, the most prolonged self-administered head-trauma protocol I have ever encountered outside of a fraternity. The patient bounced. Repeatedly. Against a wingback chair. To music. For approximately eight years. I cannot, in conscience, attribute his adult outcomes solely to chance.”
“He told the entire class that his nickname at home was a phrase I cannot repeat in this document. I asked his mother to clarify. She was mortified. She still brings it up. The boy was four. He was already a problem.”
“Confirming your title is currently Full Stack Software Engineer. We will revisit at the next review. Please remember to send your status update before EOD Friday this time. And please turn on your camera in standup at least once this quarter.”
“Sir. That was a kickoff. That was not a fake punt. Please sit down. The shirt does not earn itself.”
“I have judged competitions in Memphis, Kansas City, and Austin. I attended his cookout in the suburbs. I cannot in good conscience comment on what came off the grill. I left early. I did not eat dinner that evening, or the following one.”
“Based on this profile photo, we recommend a different photo. Based on this work history, we recommend a longer tenure. Based on this 'About' section, we recommend an 'About' section.”
III. The Sideline Interview
The Wingback Chair Deposition
Official Transcript — FICSR Deposition 04-B
Deponent: The Folkman Family Wingback Chair (in service c. 1994–2003)
Reporter: M. Folkman, certified
Exhibit 04-B-1 — photo pending
- Q. Please state your name and place of residence for the record.
- A. I am the Folkman family wingback. I resided primarily in the front living room of the Folkman residence from approximately 1994 to 2003. I was later moved to the basement.
- Q. Why were you moved to the basement?
- A. Structural concerns.
- Q. Caused by?
- A. I would rather not say.
- Q. Let the record reflect that the deponent is referring to one of the Folkman children, Subject P., who engaged in a sustained practice of bouncing his upper body against your back support while listening to music. Is this accurate?
- A. Yes.
- Q. Over what period of time?
- A. Approximately eight years.
- Q. How frequently?
- A. Daily. In the later years, often before school and again after school. He had a routine.
- Q. Did you, in your capacity as a chair, attempt to seek help?
- A. I am furniture.
- Q. Of course. Did the other Folkman children behave similarly?
- A. No. The older brother — the one called Bentley — never bounced. Not once. He sat on me normally. Sometimes he read.
- Q. Final question. Do you have any reflections on Subject P.'s development as an adult?
- A. I would prefer not to comment. I would, however, ask that the record reflect that I served the family loyally and was not built for what was asked of me.
- Q. Thank you for your service.
- A. Of course.
This deposition was conducted in accordance with FICSR evidentiary standards. The deponent has been honorably discharged from active duty and is now in protective storage at an undisclosed location in the Folkman residence.
IV. Fan Reviews
MI ★★★★★
MidwestMike1987
18 reviews · Overland Park, KS
Ordered the steak. Asked for medium-rare. Got a hockey puck. He said 'this is how my dad did it.' His dad does not do this. I called his dad. I was correct.
FA ★★★★★
FantasyFootball_LeagueOfChamps
6 reviews
Drafted a kicker in the 4th round. Said 'kickers are underrated.' They are not. He finished 11th. Refuses to host the trophy at his house even on the rare year he doesn't lose, which has not yet happened.
NE ★★★★★
NeighborWatch_KC_North
24 reviews
Lawn in clear violation of HOA guideline §4.2. Letters have been mailed. Acknowledgement: zero. Response: zero. Status of lawn at time of this review: visibly worse than at time of original complaint.
GO ★★★★★
GoCougars1984
112 reviews · Provo, UT
Wore a BYU shirt to the season opener. Could not name the head coach. Confidently called a fake punt on a kickoff. Sir. Please. Honor the shirt.
Citations
- [1] Folkman, R., personal communication, ongoing since 1986.
- [2] Folkman, M., front porch, off the record, recorded anyway.
- [3] Folkman, A., voluntary statement, Thanksgiving.
- [4] Folkman, J. (age 11), bedtime, recorded by his mother.
- [5] Folkman, A. (age 8), dinner, unprompted.
- [6] Folkman, W. (age 4), crayon on construction paper, dated 2026.
- [7] Folkman, C. (age 1), observable behavior, witnessed by four adults.
- [8] Folkman, Marshall, in person, with full eye contact.
- [9] Folkman, Madison, statement of preference, undated.
- [10] [REDACTED], M.D., Pediatric Neurologist (Ret.), in support of the RWT hypothesis.
- [11] Former Primary Teacher, written statement, name withheld out of mercy.
- [12] Engineering Management at Subject P.'s employer, automated email forwarded.
- [13] LaVell Edwards Stadium, Section 134, multiple witnesses.
- [14] Independent KC BBQ Judge, off the record.
- [15] LinkedIn Profile Health AI, automated, weekly.
- [16] The Wingback Chair, sworn deposition, FICSR 04-B.
All testimony submitted herein is voluntary, accurate, and unimpeachable. Subject P. has been notified of his right to respond. No response has been filed.
Subject P. has been served notice of his right to file a counter-testimony. The Institute is not optimistic.